Following the Reaction to Its Roots
Ground Notes, Part Two
Nonviolent Communication offers one way of slowing ourselves down during conflict.
We are invited to notice what happened, name how we feel and recognise what we need.
Many adults can begin with:
I feel angry when the children fight…
But the more revealing part often comes after “because...”
When the children fight… I feel frightened BECAUSE I need to know that nobody will be hurt.
I feel overwhelmed BECAUSE both children expect me to decide who is right.
I feel irritated BECAUSE I need quiet and I do not have the capacity for another conflict.
I tell them to solve it themselves BECAUSE I am afraid of favouring one child’s version of events.
I become stricter BECAUSE I feel that I am losing control.
The honest “because” may reveal exhaustion, uncertainty, fear, avoidance, a need for order, or an earlier experience of conflict that still influences how we respond.
That does not make the need shameful.
It makes the reasoning under our reaction visible.
For adults who are uncomfortable with emotional language, this does not have to become a demand for personal disclosure. It can be approached as reflective practice:
What happened that a camera could have recorded?
What interpretation have I added?
What am I noticing in my body?
What am I afraid might happen?
What am I trying to protect: safety, fairness, order, quiet, authority or connection?
Is one child currently less safe or less powerful?
What boundary is needed before discussion or negotiation can begin?
And perhaps most importantly:
Is this a need the children should be expected to meet, or something I need adult support to manage?
Naming a need does not mean that we automatically act from it. It gives us more choice about what happens next.
Children do not encounter only our words during conflict. They also encounter our pace, tension, history and capacity to remain present.
The “because” helps us see what belongs to the children’s disagreement and what their disagreement has awakened inside the adult.
